The Many Trials of Alexis Maximus

Now it is time for me to EVALUATE the puny humans who I have met in my travels. Perhaps with enough TRAINING and BEATINGS I can fashion them into a proper BARBARIAN HORDE! But the training process is RIGOROUS and I do not yet have faith that these WEAKLINGS are up to the task!! 

FIRST I will evaluate the WOMEN. Some say that women have NO PLACE on the battlefield, but I do not see it that way! Women are ferocious fighters! Especially if the opponent has PRETTY DRESSES or SHINY JEWELS in their posession! I have seen a woman SLAUGHTER an entire village to acquire a leather cuirass which GORGEOUSLY accented her eyes!
I shall refrain from mentioning the horrible TRANSFIGURATION which occurs at MOON TIME, because such things should not be mentioned in POLITE COMPANY. Rest assured, it is a TESTAMENT to their FORTITUDE and ENDURACE! I have nothing but RESPECT! 



I do not think that this woman is up to the task! She is FAT. FATness indicates that she is a noble, unaccustomed to dirtying her hands with the GRUESOME and GORY tasks of day-to-day BARBARIANSHIP! She will eat the horde's supplies like a ravenous BADGER! Her only use in a barbarian horde is for her flabby flesh to provide EMERGENCY RATIONS should we fall into a CREVASSE and become stuck for 127 hours or longer! 

Rating: UNDESIRABLE, YET POTENTIALLY DELICIOUS




She has red hair! This indicates that she is a WITCH! (#BarbarianFacts) I do not FEAR witchcraft! Instead I shall ENSLAVE her and COMMAND her to use her powers to MAGNIFY the powers of my horde! IN ADDITION I shall COMMAND her to make me even more powerful and undefeatable THAN I ALREADY AM! BUT KNOW THIS! If the witch FAILS to perform her rituals adequately, I shall EVISCERATE her with a red-hot poker! So perish ALL who would make light of ALEXIS MAXIMUS! 

Rating: DESIRABLE, FOR NOW



What are these pieces of GLASS she has stuck to her face? They make her look like an OWL. Owls are delicious. I most enjoy my owl braised in a marinade composed chiefly of MEAD and the BLOOD of my ENEMIES. She claims to be an envoy of CHAOS, the primeval VOID which existed BEFORE TIME ITSELF and from whence ALL THAT IS OR EVER SHALL BE was created. Her appearance must be a divine portent, a HARBINGER of the END OF THE WORLD. I must take it upon myself to VANQUISH this foe, powerful though she may be! The world CANNOT end before I have had my chance to rule it! Not even the forces of DARKNESS AND NIGHT shall prevail against Brunhilda! 

Rating: UNTRUSTWORTHY, BUT BETTER AN ALLY THAN AN ENEMY


She heralds her arrival with a callsign of ICE! Perhaps she is an enchantress with the power to control the ice and snow! YES! That, or she is an envoy of YMIR, lord of the frost giants! BY THE GODS, what sort of CATACLYSM have I stumbled into? PERHAPS the most POWERFUL and QUARRELSOME of DEITIES have chosen Ithaca as their celestial battleground in the ultimate struggle for supremacy! And here am I, with no Divine patronage! I can hardly MARCH into battle against the favored one of Ymir with no SUPREME BEING guiding my path except P'Tang-P'Tang, the unusually large newt worshipped by the mud people of lower Cyprus! I must seek my own divine sponsor, quickly! 

Rating: ENEMY, FOR MAKING ME REALIZE THE GROSSNESS OF MY IMPIETY.


I cannot TELL how suitable she may be for life in my Barbarian HORDE! NEVER before have I seen a human being with so few discernible CHARACTERISTICS! It is IMPOSSIBLE to assess her skills, for I find myself UNABLE to remember anything about her the second she leaves! She is the most forgettable individual I have encountered in all the KNOWN WORLD. Perhaps it is a form of INVISIBILITY MAGIC designed to weaken me to this STRANGE new tactic known as "FLOPPING." Ha! It is NAUGHT but a TRICK! I will not be taken in by Puny Human #5! I live ONLY to destroy her! 

Rating: DOOOOOMED



She tells TALES of her FATHER, a humble farmer who toils in the fields. She blames him for losing her a chance at a million drachmas. FOOLISH GIRL! Can she not see that our patriarchal society can become COMPLETELY unhinged by such SEDITIOUS PRATTLE? Besides, one million drachmas is too great a financial burden for any one person to BEAR, to say NOTHING of a pasty-faced WAIF such as this. PERHAPS he has taught her some skills in cultivating crops, which can be useful for an extended campaign in faraway lands, or a SIEGE situation in which we are FORCED to become an AGRARIAN society to survive. 

Rating: ACCEPTABLE BUT ONLY BECAUSE HER FATHER ISN'T HERE. 


I have DECIDED to stop assessing the WOMEN and will begin evaluating the MALE people in this MOTLEY GATHERING. This man is a CAPTAIN of his own FISHING VESSEL. This will provide FLESH to satiate the GNAWING HUNGER IN MY BOWELS. I desire to partake of the SUCCULENT FLAKY TENDERNESS which underlies the WRIGGLING SCALES of the fishes! YES! I MUST HAVE THIS MAN FOR MY HORDE! Even if I return to the Carpathians, I shall enslave the Ithacan people to CARRY his boat ACROSS THE MOUNTAINS! This is a FANTASTIC idea, which shall be IMMORTALIZED IN SONG AND STORY! 

Rating: PROVIDER OF NOURISHMENT AND IMMORTALITY. THERE IS NO DOWNSIDE. 

I am GROSSLY disappointed in many of the WOMENFOLK which are to be found in these lands! I can only HOPE that Ithaca is a patriarchal society ruled by PHALLOCENTRIC DOGMATISM or else my quest will surely run into DIFFICULTIES and HARDSHIP. 

It occurs to me that I have FORGOTTEN to mention one of the local women in my recruitment assessment. I apologize for the OVERSIGHT and will IMMEDIATELY rectify it so that all of the LADIES of Ithaca will feel represented. 



BEHOLD. This WOMAN is the most BEAUTIFUL maiden I have ever seen! She is a truly DIVINE beauty, an absolute VISION in gossamer SILKS and gauzy veils! I would SWIM the deepest seas and climb the HIGHEST mountains of the CARPATHIANS on the backs of a hundred GLORIOUS MOUNTAIN RAMS just to feel the lightest CARESS of her hand on my cheek! See how the WIND blows her hair so MAJESTICALLY! See how COYLY her eyelashes beckon me! And that BEARD! How tingly would it feel against my LIPS!? VERY! 

HOWEVER, such BEAUTY is a TERRIBLE quality in a barbarian! I am a WARRIOR! I cannot AFFORD to be DISTRACTED by beautiful women, no matter how MANLY and RUGGED they may be! I must FOCUS upon the MASS DISEMBOWELMENT of my ENEMIES! BEGONE, foul TEMPTRESS!

Rating: ONLY USEFUL FOR BREEDING PURPOSES!




Now THIS is what I am talking about! A perfect specimen of MANLY testosterone! This is a WARRIOR, one who can split MIGHTY OAKS with nothing but his FACE! I am SOMEWHAT bewildered by his FACIAL FEATURES, however. Is he an EMISSARY from the forbidden lands of the ORIENT? Do these DRAGON-WORSHIPPING rice farmers DARE try to lay claim to ITHACA!? Their VENERABLE ANCESTRIES will be no match for Brunhilda! It is LUCKY for this puny human that they are so manly and UNATTRACIVE. I will fear NO unwarranted EROTIC distractions from such a MASCULINE presence, even as I SLICE IT TO RIBBONS! If this FOREIGNER attempts to join my horde, he will be SWIFTLY DECAPITATED, and his head shall be CATAPULTED over the walls as a WARNING to any who would DARE try to WREST Ithaca from my grasp! 

Rating: ENEMY! THIS LAND IS MINE AND MINE ALONE! 



Ye GADS! ANOTHER ONE! Perhaps they are TWINS! My resolve to DESTROY them is only HASTENED by this REVELATION! Twins are a HOLY PORTENT! They must be INFUSED with the POWERS of their local HEATHEN dieties! HEAR ME, P'Tang-P'Tang! I will NOT let your DIVINE countenance be OUTSHONE by the gods of the ORIENT! GRANT me your FAVOR that I might smite this one into PARALYSIS, rendering these twin ABOMINATIONS powerless! 

Rating: JUST AS TERRIBLE AS THE OTHER ONE! 


An OLD MAN! I expected him to tell me that it is DANGEROUS to go ALONE and tell me to take a SWORD! But he is no mere CAVE-DWELLER! It is a MARVELLOUS thing to live to see one's GREY HAIRS sprout in this day and age! The ELDERLY only survive to their TWILIGHT by dint of being the FIERCEST of warriors, SURVIVING where others FALL into IGNOMINY. It would be an HONOR to welcome this GRIZZLED ELDER into my HORDE, so that I may DRINK DEEPLY from the font of his WISDOM!

And, lo! Already he REQUESTS that I bathe NAKED before him. I imagine it is a TEST to see if I can DEFEND myself while BEREFT of ARMOR or WEAPONRY! I shall RISE to the CHALLENGE! I can tell he is VERY EXCITED about the prospect of this TRAINING SESSION. 

Rating: WISE ELDER! I AM SURE HE WILL NOT LEAD ME ASTRAY! 


What a MAGNIFICENT warrior! With him in my RANKS, there are very FEW who could stand against our COMBINED might! But, I have been cautioned that he bears a TRAGIC WEAKNESS. He has sustained a HORRIFIC injury to his ANKLE, causing him to LIMP about like a HUNCHBACK! In my homeland, such an ABOMINATION would have been LEFT TO THE EAGLES at birth! There are NO deformed children in... err... WHEREVER BARBARIANS ARE FROM. You may rest ASSURED of that! 

PERHAPS his WEAKNESS is merely the MASK for a greater PROBLEM. I have heard TELL of a FAMOUS WARRIOR who was CUT DOWN in the BATTLE OF TROY! This was a FAMOUS war, FOUGHT for the sake of HELEN, the most BEAUTEOUS of WOMEN known to man! In my MIND'S EYE she resembles PUNY HUMAN #8! This warrior was named ACHILLES! His HEEL was his WEAK POINT! Could it be that THIS puny human is the REINCARNATION of the SOUL of ACHILLES!? If so, what other RESTLESS SPIRITS may be POSSESSING the locals? This is PROMISING to be a VERY INTENSE battle for Ithaca! 

Rating: I WISH TO CRUSH HIM AND USURP HIS PLACE IN THE LORE! 



BEHOLD how this one GRINS! His face becomes a MAW of TEETH and HERNIATED SKIN! Such GURNING cannot be NATURAL! This young man is CLEARLY in the THRALL of a DEMON or SUCCUBUS, which seeks to DEVOUR his flesh from the INSIDE! It is a TERRIBLE fate, but there is no PRIEST in my horde capable of EXORCISING such a demon! The best I can do is UNLEASH his DEMONIC rage upon my enemies until FINALLY it consumes his SOUL and leaves the WITHERED HUSK of his desiccated flesh to ROT on the battlefield. But WOE betide that demon should it ATTEMPT to possess me! I cannot be POSSESSED or CONTROLLED! If the demon TRIES, I shall possess IT, and use its LEATHERY hide to MOW DOWN the UNCEASING WAVES of ENEMIES who stand between me and ULTIMATE DOMINION! 

Rating: ACCEPTABLE. 


This one is FAIR of FACE and TRUE of HEART! He would be a FANTASTIC barbarian. HOWEVER, there is a DOWNSIDE to inducting him. He is a BACCHANALIAN, given to SINFUL DESIRES of the FLESH! He REJECTS the embrace of WOMEN, and LUSTS after the hoary skin of MAN! While I am TOLERANT of such THINGS, it is a SIGNIFICANT DETRACTION to the FUNCTIONALITY of a barbarian horde! How can we REPOPULATE dwindling numbers if his SEED is wasted in the LOINS of ANOTHER MALE? We ALL must do our SHARE to ENSURE the SURVIVAL of the HORDE above all ELSE! If he should SHIRK this IMPERATIVE duty, it is the same as SLITTING THE THROATS of every MAN, WOMAN, CHILD, and YAK.

However, these are DESPERATE times. With SO FEW acceptable warriors I am willing to OVERLOOK his INABILITY to PROCREATE, and will treat him as a EUNUCH for all intents and purposes. 

Rating: ABOMINABLE, BUT ACCEPTED ANYWAY. 



What a FANTASTIC beard! It reminds me of the GLORIOUS face manes SPROUTING from the chins of my ancestors! He ought to BRAID it and weave in some FEATHERS and other TRINKETS! It is a fantastic way to INTIMIDATE one's ENEMIES! But he is no FIGHTER! He is a SCHOLAR! He claims supreme knowledge of SURVIVAL, which could come in VERY USEFUL! I attempted to ask him which local FLORA were safe to CONSUME and BREW into delicious TEA, but he responded "HOLD UP, BRO!" and asked me to given him an IDOL. When I refused, he claimed that the "Game was a foot!" Such RUBBISH! My foot is NO GAME! I once killed a man with my TOENAIL CLIPPINGS! I have no time to waste on the PRATTLE of ACADEMICS! Perhaps I should cut out his TONGUE, and force him to fight his battles with SWORD and SPEAR instead of his precious WORDS! Ho ho ho! 

Rating: A RAVING MADMAN! USELESS! 



This one seems to be a VALIANT fighter, but he is CURSED! I do not know what SINS this man has ACCRUED, but they must be DREADFUL to merit that he should be punished in such a VILE manner! For you see, his every step is HAUNTED by the presence of a VICIOUS HARPY, which flutters around him SPEWING MALICE. This dreadful SHE-DEMON is known as the DREADED JACLYN, and it NATTERS and SHRIEKS at him without pause! It has reduced the POOR FELLOW to a mere SHELL of a man, dragging him this way and that as though he were a CART HORSE! I suppose the HARPY may prove useful in a FIGHT, were it not so OCCUPIED with consuming this poor devil's very SOUL. For now, I fear that his SUPERNATURAL BAGGAGE will render him IMPOTENT and USELESS. 

Rating: WHIPPED! 


AHA! A HEALER! This fellow will prove MOST HELPFUL when diagnosing the many MALADIES and AILMENTS which will surely befall our horde on this EPIC RAMPAGE! However, the poor lout is an IDIOT. He cannot count the HUMOURS, even though they clearly number only FOUR, and he insists on boiling the surgical instruments before use, to prevent INVISIBLE DEMONS called "germs" from attacking our blood! It is MADNESS. I humor him for now, but by ASCLEPIUS, I will carve the flesh from his bones if he kills a single one of my men!
  
Rating: ADDLEBRAINED! 

OOC: More confessionals are on the way, I promise. Animation takes forever at the start because of the unlawful amount of images you have to make for characters, etc, but once those are finished the cartoons themselves are a snap.

In the mean time, here are a few teaser images to whet your appetites for what's in store: 



Mmyes. 

I apologize for my TARDINESS! I have SWEATED and SLAVED over this divinely inspired WORK OF GENIUS that you might ENJOY guffawing at the WACKY ANTICS of my fellow combatants as much as I do! Certainly it will make me look back and SMILE at the memories of those I have SLAIN when I am RECLINING upon the plush throne after my DOMINATION of this land! 

That is the best confessional video EVER